For the most part, many of my friends know that I tend to disappear for weeks on end when my social battery is low. But sometimes there are one or two people who think that my being active on social media is an invitation to send (inundate) someone with messages, whether it be memes, quotes, or just thoughts.
And I know that I can choose not to respond. But that’s not how my body feels when I see the messages or hear the phone ding. There’s an imagined sense of urgency and expectation that I have to respond. Hence, my disappearance from my personal Instagram account.
I know I shouldn’t have to be the one driven out. I should stand my ground. But I can’t. I have no boundaries. When a friend calls or asks to meet up, my answer is always yes. Or I’ll find ways to fit them into my schedule. Then I’m exhausted and will take the day off from work and see my finances suffer. When I do say no, they’ll coax and cajole until I relent. Sometimes, I almost feel resentful.
Back in November, a friend asked me why I got sick during our trip to Toronto. I told her that it was because I lacked rest. I didn’t have a day off to myself since September, maybe even August.
She told me, “next time, you should rest.” And I almost lost it because I already lost a precious rest day in October so that she and another friend could make amends in preparation for this exact Toronto trip we were all in. That specific dinner’s success was contingent to my very presence, because without me, our other friend declared he wouldn’t be coming.
So now, it’s December and I’ve decided to stick to my guns and my schedule. Only one Christmas dinner, the rest will be dedicated to family and my creative holiday activities (making wreaths, candles, and edible gifts.)
For the most part, people have been understanding and leaving me alone. Once in a while, a message pops up in a group chat asking to “please, please, please let’s do a Christmas brunch” or just a “If you wanna hang and chill at home, feel free to message me.”
I’ve received another long text message from another friend, but while well-meaning, I can’t bring myself to read it because it’s too long and it stresses me out. The invitations are coming in and I’m just.. No.
The bad thing about me is that I get really moody and irritated when people don’t leave me alone. I just wanted to beg off this month, leave some space for myself and yet, here we are. There’s a quote circulating on Instagram about how it’s such a privilege to have these problems. How lucky am I to actually need some space and solitude? It means, I am with company and loved. Yeah okay but, leave me alone?! I’m also an animal and I need to hibernate?
My resentment starts to go into this rabbithole about capitalism, consumerism, and patriarchy (?) I start thinking about how slowness and seasons aren’t respected in this day and age. How taking breaks, pausing , are seen as some sort of failure rather than attuning with your body’s own cycle. Then I start thinking about how this world is built for people to be in relationships. Is my need for solitude, my need to have the space and time to focus on my creativity not as important as these heteronormative events like engagement and weddings, or parties with plus ones? Why do I have to give a “valid” reason for missing out? Meanwhile, we don’t try to guilt or coax people into attending events when they have plans with their families or partners. It’s always an acceptable reason to not show up. If I say “I’m just really tired” or “I just need alone time,” “I need to focus on my art stuff,” it’s never quite given the same acceptance. Being unmarried isn’t a reason to expect people to always be there. I also have my own life. If I were to meet every single friend once per month, I wouldn’t have time for myself at all with this 5-day work week getting paid less than a living wage. How then, can I build a life for myself?
Anyway, as mentioned before, part of this is my fault because I lack boundaries. I’m also a social butterfly so people assume I’m always “ON.” Then, when I do try to beg off, it’s not taken as a firm no. So I deal with all this resentment on my own because I can’t quite blame my friends for, like, loving my company (**flips hair). And it would be unfair to rage at them when I do love their company too. I just, I just, need to be alone for now.
