Western new ageism always makes use of this line: “The universe doesn’t owe you anything.”
And while they preach that our feelings are valid, somehow just merely acknowledging our negative emotions feels like a watered down approach when it comes to dealing with our emotions.
Well, I’m upset. I’m still upset. I’m still raging and I know it. So I decided to turn to my ancestor’s gods instead. Somehow when I think about our anitos, our precolonial gods and saints- I envision a human in front of a huge rock wailing in anger at the moon.
My culture’s precolonial gods are more human-like, some are mischievous, petty, even vindictive. Somehow I feel more understood if I imagine my gods to be this way. They would understand the waves of anger coursing through me.
And then I take a step and try to figure out what else I can do. I should remember to be grateful, I tell myself. But I wasn’t sure how to do that. Was merely writing down a list of things to be grateful for really going to help? How does it make me feel better when I’m begrudgingly doing it?
(P.S it is now December and I wrote this in October, I’m not so sure what I was upset about. I think it was the accumulation of stress, exhaustion, and grief.)