My tarot card said that before I even try to want more money, I should ask myself what it’s for.
Somehow I feel like there’s an overarching theme in whatever stage I am in my life where I want to disappear and retreat into a corner of the world that doesn’t require much from me.
A cottage by the forest but accessible to main roads where I can still access the occasional sushi or kbbq restaurant. Oh, and good internet connection with all the amenities of modern-day living but somehow, still detached from the general pace of the world. That sounds so simple and yet, it requires a lot of money.
I’ve been struggling with my feelings about my career. I’ve dedicated two years of my life, my time, and money to going back to school. But now that I’m almost at the finish line, I feel utterly disinterested and demotivated.
I even have a foot in the door, writing and reporting news for a major media market. I’m one of the few people who have an industry job this early. People always say how it’s difficult to get in. That I am occupying space others so badly want to take, and that I shouldn’t break this easily.
But here I am being miserable.
Sometimes, I ask myself if I’m just burnt out. Do I just need a break? Or is there something more to it? Am I not listening to myself? Maybe this isn’t really what I want and that’s why my body is reacting accordingly. But then I take a step back and remind myself that this is just the first step, that I have to go through this as a young journalist.
But do I really have to work in breaking news? Do I really have to be a daily reporter? It’s not what I truly want, is it?
Am I being a brat for not wanting to pay my dues, what does “paying dues” even look like?
I remember going into it without much thought and I wish I could revive that person who somehow disappeared while in journalism school.
I remember just shrugging and saying “I’d just like to see how far I can go.” Is this far enough? Is it just the start? Is it a phase every journalist goes through?
Or is there really something else I want to do?
The path isn’t clear and yet, I want to reach for it. But not in this way.