It’s January and ‘di na ako galit. I often write here in generic terms, I’m feeling this and that but never quite detail why. Perhaps December was the time for me to try and pinpoint the turning points of my rage.
Starting from November I was starting to feel that something inside me needed to change, it wasn’t something that I thought about consciously, it was like bits and pieces of my subconscious were wanting certain changes. As if, I had no choice but to evolve. I thought the things that wanted evolving was my personal and professional growth. Like, I should be stepping into my power working on becoming someone with an “executive presence” or becoming someone who was a leader.
I also felt that the lifestyle I had been recently living was one of overconsumption. It was fun to go out and eat out a lot with friends but it had become this weekly thing where we would just hit the spots that a friend had found trending on some influencer’s reel. Life revolved around skincare and makeup and the next cute thing. There is nothing wrong with those things, but it was just that that was the extent of it and there was nothing more. It was like chasing for the next thrill with no end in sight.
I guess I realized, I was also just going with the flow and following someone else’s lead. I’m a very simple person. When I have a job, I work and after work, I hang out with friends. Those are the two things that make up my world but because work demanded a lot from me while certain friends demanded more time with them, I was just halved between these two things and didn’t have the time for myself.
Maybe that’s why I was angry. I should have been angrier at myself because it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. I had slowly allowed my boundaries to be moved, where those things took precedence over my comfort. And I’m angrier because I didn’t even recognize it. After all, it was cloaked with my love for my job and my friends. Because I’m someone who wants to spend time with people I love and do good work.
I still want to step into my personal power, but I’ve recognized that I don’t have to do it within an imaginary timeline set by myself or other people. I’m surrounded by people who see this big potential in me, and while well-meaning, it feels as if I have to do it in a rush.
As for this lifestyle of overconsumption, I’ve luckily re-balanced it since the start of December. Less eating out or shopping for the next cool thing. The most I spend is on transit when I’m out seeing friends. It doesn’t have to be a fancy dinner, I’m mostly hanging out at their place, or working out together, or going on walks. More reaching out and chatting to people I haven’t spent a lot of time with. I even enrolled myself in sewing class and weight training, time that I can dedicate to myself.
I wondered if these feelings started to surface while I was on vacation in Montreal. Being away from Vancouver helped me to re-centre and look at my life from a literal outside perspective. Maybe it was because Quebec felt like a very different Canada and a different way of life. I was also in the company of my close friends from university. Their laid-back no-nonsense personalities were so grounding. Right, I was the more maarte one and that’s peak. Anything more is not me. Hahaha. There was something superficial about Vancouver that I couldn’t quite pinpoint and somehow I would succumb to that now and then. It’s like there’s a culture and I’ve just been absorbed in it. And now, I’m slowly extracting myself from it and recovering parts of me I’ve neglected in favour of going out. Like making art, or writing, or taking photos, journalling, planning my world domination etc etc.
Anyway, I feel a lot better now. I’ve been feeling more fulfilled and less harried. Maybe that’s why it’s also allowed me to give birth to my long dream of a digital magazine/ blog about gentle living. So I’m feeling happier than usual, taking it slow and living my truth.
